'Healing Our Injured Relationships'

 

When we grow older you realize that your friends are not always as loyal as you expect them to be. Nevertheless, they are people and we need to relate with and be around them. Unlike brutes, human beings cannot be in isolation because we are social beings by nature. All kind of relationships are essential for companionship and filling the loneliness gap. To accomplish many of our objectives and attain most of goals, companionship is needed. Genuine companionship can provide answers to our questions, comfort in times of distress and happiness in times of sadness. But what if our relationships don’t last long enough? How can we restore and maintain them?

There is truth in the phrase that time heals everything. When our bodies are injured it takes time for the platelets to form a clot and white blood cells to fight the pathogen till we heal. But when our relationships are injured, depending on the circumstances that led to it, it may take minutes, hours, days or even a lifetime to heal. ‘And sometimes our healing lies in healing others.’ Most of the time betrayals are the cause of our miserable lives, distress and adverse attitudes. Sometimes we are hurt so bad that staying away or breaking up it the most comforting thing to do.

However, after sometime; weeks, months or years we need to reconnect and restore the broken relationship with a new start.  Throughout my life I have had so many heart breaks even from the people I trust the most. As a human person, I thought that I should never reconnect with these people again. Nonetheless, the more I thought about it, I realized that at some point I was not mad anymore, and that before forming new relationships, it would be good to restore the broken ones and do away with expectations. Since the making of that decision I have been able to reconnect with most of them and I am yet to do the same on the remaining ones. Restoring broken relationship is not as easy as I thought it would be, but with the help of some qualities that I learnt I was able to do so.

When I knew I needed to reconnect with my past, I gave myself time. In each one of them I waited till I was sure that I had forgotten what had happened in the past and that I was ready for a new start. Rushing it would have been risky. It would have probably made me bring the past in my present and hence my restoration would not last long.

I started by showing that I still I care. Cultivation of any relationship requires hard work, time and love. By going back to my old commitments to them, I was able to get back their attention. This was great for a start. It automatically send an expression that I was willing to reconnect. It did not cost me too much time or energy. I sent texts like “Hi it’s been long I was thinking maybe we could meet over the weekend.”  “Hey I’ve been seeing your posts on Instagram, They are really nice. There’s this place I’m visiting on Saturday and I’d like you to come with me.” “Long time bro, I bet you’ve been great. You know you can visit me when around.” Anything that would make one feel that I was so over the past and I still wanted to be friends.

Humbling myself was really assistive. I realized in some of them, I had directly made the mistake or indirectly by judging too hard. I apologized for both. In cases where it was completely the other person’s fault, I showed that I had completely let go the mistake they did to me. Forgiveness is a consequence of humility. Forgiving and forgetting is a sign of saying that our relationship is bigger than my ego. There is great power in forgiveness.

After ensuring that I had successfully reconnected, I had to maintain the communication. In any relationship, communication is one of the most crucial things. Someone once said that, ‘the longest distance between two people is misunderstanding.’ Lack of proper communication is the cause of misunderstanding between people. The more people communicate, the more they know and understand one another.

However to communicate well, I had to learn how to respect and listen to what the other person is saying. Not to interrupt, minimize or dismiss them before they even finish talking. Keeping our conversations confidential by not telling other people, no matter how close they are to me, to maintain their trust in me. When talking I try to make the other person understand by using the right language, accent and talking less.

Telling the truth is also very important. Lies never bind even when they are meant to. The moment someone realizes that you are not being truthful or not telling the whole truth, in anything than the other, they lose their faith in you in everything. This ruins the communication pattern and it’s the primary cause of the annihilation of your relationship.

The last value that I have learnt to help me maintain the restored relationship, is dispute resolution. There is no perfect relationship. There are always disputes and issues in all. Every time one arises, it is important that it is faced and solved rather than ignored or postponed. In trying to solve disputes, however, one needs to be very careful. Rather than attacking the person, I have learnt to attack the problem. This can be easily attained by use of kind words while avoiding absolute words like never, always, must…For example, instead of saying ‘you never respond to my mail or texts’ say ‘It would be good to check and respond to my mails or text.

Do not forget that a relationship can only be restored by mutual respect, understanding and commitment. A genuine relationship can survive any dispute and competition. Let this year be a turnaround for you; to make peace with yourself and others.